Somewhat Awesome Happenings

How I'm going to retire in 18 years

2012-02-02T16:40:00.002-06:00

**Looking at the math - it made more sense to go with 18 years, so I've revised this post for more betterness**

I'm doing this more for my own records than for anyone that ends up reading this blog (which would be by accident, for sure). I read an investing book today- and plan on reading many in the future, although the actual context of the book doesn't apply until you read near the end of this post.

In a few weeks, I'll be receiving a contractual raise of $4000 per year (which is friggin' huge!). Assuming that the government is going to take about 1/3 of that, it leaves me with about $223 more per month. In the vein of my family's future, I've decided to add $52 to that pot and make it an even $275 and to contribute that towards debt.

Using a "snowball" design, if I pay off my credit card first, followed by the cars (which will inevitably be replaced with new cars), followed by the house- I can be debt free in about 8 years. This may seem like a long time- but it will take roughly that long to recover from our foreclosure anyhow.

Let's go over the metrics of this. 8 years at $275/mo is $26,400 of an investment in my debt. Below is the money saved, per debt:

American Express: $5787
Ford F-150: $4017
Ford Escape: $290
Morris House: $66440

When you add all of those together- you get a total savings of $76,534- a return on investment of 190% in just 8 years! In a good market, you see a return on investment of 10% per year, so this beats GOOD market averages by well over double. I think that it's safe to say that if you have a good amount of debt- there is no better investment then in eliminating it.

Assuming that we trade in the cars for something new as the years go on, this still leaves us with an excess of around $1200/month on top of the original $275.

At this point- let's consider market averages. We invest the excess wisely, looking for 100% returns in 10 years. But remember- I want to retire 18 years, so I only have 10 years to go.

I have $1475/month. Compounding dividends from good investments at an ROI if 10% per year, and understanding that my ROI decreases each year (simply because after that point I would need the money to live off of), after 10 years- we will have accumulated the following values from prior respective years:
Year 1 (90% added): $33630
2 (80%): $31860
3 (70%): $30090
4 (60%): $28320
5 (50%): $26550
6 (40%): $24780
7 (30%): $23010
8 (20%): $21240
9 (10%): $19470
10 (Value): $17700

Total: $256,650

I'm hoping to contribute more to this (future raises and such) - so this value could be as high as $300,000 or more.

Assuming an annual return average of 10% - we can use $20,000 of this per year on top of what we have coming in already (don't ask) for a total annual income of around $40,000 - which should be plenty for a family of 2 with no house payments or credit cards, even with inflation up to that point. Also- I'll likely get bored and need to do something for money, like consulting or tinker-work, so there should still be some income there.

Let's say that we live for 40 more years, and that inflation averages 3% per year. So long as our return on investment year over year is greater than our cost of living- our account will never fall below its value at the beginning. Granted, this would need to be 10.8% (20,000 + 3% for inflation is 7.8% of $256,000) - but I'm assuming that small consulting jobs here and there (to contribute 3% back to the pot- we only need $150/week) will at least help. We'd need some way to pay for medical insurance as well.

There it is... my lifetime financial plan in a blog post.

Basically, if you think that you can make 10% per year off of investments, then if you can have around 13x your annual living expenses available at the time of retirement- you're well on your way. Think about it- P&I on a 30-year $100,000 5% mortgage are $536.00 per month. If you have 2.5x that in savings- even at the much lower interest you can bring in $1342.00 per month for 30 years. For every 0.5% increase in interest, you can either raise your income by $140/month or increase the lifetime of your expected payments in by 5+ years.

waking up on my own

2012-01-10T06:00:00.001-06:00

I thought about starting this entry off by saying "After a hard weekend physiologically, I've made it to this week", but that's the kind of thinking that I've only recently had a problem with.

My entire life, I've been focused on progress- I think that we're bred to think like that. You can't wait to get out of elementary school, high school, college (though I suppose that I overkilled that one by a few degrees). I was so glad when I finally got out of the Air Force- now on my 3rd job since then while I'm "progressing" financially. I've managed to make it to marriage with the girl of my dreams, and we have two adorable little girls.

I finally started to wonder- why am I so focused on the things that I'm looking forward to? Life has its rough patches, but I'm happy. I'm not saying that I don't have goals- sure, I still want to get out of debt, to have 17" calves- I'm just saying that "goals" isn't going to be what I'm about anymore. I've been so work-focused that I've let it rule over me. I've let things that happen in the office affect me for weeks at a time- but it never got me anywhere.

Last Wednesday night I had a drink. I don't know how long it had been- a couple of years? It didn't do anything for me, but it didn't hurt me either. I'm 29 years old, and I think that it's about time for me to stop believing that living life has so many negative consequences.

December

2011-12-15T14:31:00.000-06:00

It's been December for a while now, and although I'd like to contribute something positive about the weather- I fear that it could come back to haunt me in a serious way. The past few weeks (months) have been a change of pace, but things are on the brink of getting "normal" again- at least after Christmas.

Brittany took the girls to Salt Lake City for two weeks, a portion of which I spent in Pennsylvania visiting family. I'll get to see them all after work tonight. Parts of it were great- the Ravens game, the mewithoutYou concert, seeing my family, the FOOD; and parts were not- mostly due to missing them so much. It's hard being away from the kids, no matter how much sleep I have the potential to get. It's hard being away from Brittany. I find myself spending my free time looking at pictures of them and smiling. I can't wait to go home.

On Sunday I leave for Georgia for 5 days. It's going to be a tough one.

Self Esteem

2011-11-11T07:55:00.002-06:00

Anyone who really knows me is aware that I'm constantly struggling with my weight. It isn't that I have any real physical issue- no, what I struggle from is a combination of problems. Growing up with my particular former ailment, I think, guarantees some self-esteem issues.

(Ladies and gentlemen- if your son has low bodyfat except for on his chest, take him to a plastic surgeon. Kids are mean- you'll change his life.)

There are the binges, the crash diets, and the hours at the gym. Lately, I've been eating more and dieting less- but I'm at a confusing place. I've always thought 170-175 as my ideal weight.

I weigh 195 pounds.

My waist is a little larger than usual (maybe by 1-2"), but I can wear most of my pants. My abs aren't prominent except closer to my ribcage (and even there it's a stretch). I have a (small) gut. I'm probably around 16-17% bodyfat. Years (or even months) ago, I'd be very uncomfortable, but I'm starting to think that I like it.

There are positive effects to this. I find that I'm not as hungry- and don't really crave sweets anymore. My skin seems to be clearer. My arms are big, for me at least. My actual workout stats haven't really changed too much (although they still impress me!), but I feel good about myself. The past few months have been really hard on my family, so this has been keeping me sane.

I know that it gets thrown around ad nauseum- but happiness really is about who you are. I always thought that I was a 170-pound ripped to shreds guy... but I'm not that- at least not anymore.

That's a long introduction, but this post is about my wife.

Seven and a half years ago, I started dating Brittany. It was the most attracted that I had ever been to anyone, ever. She had the prettiest smile, the softest hands. She got my jokes, she wore hoodies. She was way too young, but damn was she beautiful- I was powerless.

At (and after) the time, I had just gotten over some stuff- and my body dysmorphia was off the charts. My expectations were so high, and I even started to drag her into it. She was the exact same person, but for some reason- I didn't see perfection anymore. It was all about me, but I projected it onto her. Just like the bullies from Junior High, I didn't think that I was doing any harm. I had no idea what I was doing.

Some time after that- I began looking at her and seeing exactly what I saw in the beginning. My lapse had repaired itself, but the damage was done. My wife will never, ever believe how pretty I think she is again. She's since had two children and an onslaught combination of back problems and crappy doctors, but each time I look at her I can't help but think about how this gorgeous woman spends her life with me. Sure- there's give and take, but that isn't what this is about. This is about how appealing she is- at her worst or at her best.

my body almost killed me

2011-11-03T08:07:00.002-05:00

Last night I went to bed at 8 and woke up at 9:15. I did homework until 1 and tried to go back to sleep- I ended up taking a bath at 2:45 to help the process along. I finally fell asleep at around 3:30. This isn't me complaining about only getting 3 hours of sleep, though. This is about what happened between 3:30 and 5:30.

I had a dream that I went to CEA (a yo-yo meet) in Minneapolis. There was a guy there with a cast on his arm and his face all messed up because one of the other guys that was attending had beaten him up. I told him that I'd take care of it- but when the guy arrived with his friends, they were all much bigger than me. Like gigantic- probably 8 feet tall.

They brought along with them these people that were smaller than me- but crazy fast. We were playing some game involving plates on a circle of tables, and these people kept going around us and rotating the plates. They were moving so quickly that I could barely see them. They were strong, too. The whole situation was very high pressure, so I went back home.

The home was like our house in Fargo, but larger. In the blink of an eye, all of a sudden I was under water- but I couldn't swim... I just walked around like normal. It was okay, though, because I could breathe- at least at the time.

Then, the water started to get darker and darker, and thicker and thicker. It was like Jello, and thicker the higher up you went. I could move my arms and legs, but I couldn't breathe. A few moments later, the water got clear again and I could breathe again. At this point- I noticed that my dad was with me.

The water, again, started to get darker and darker. Dad told me just to hang on- but this time the darkness didn't go away. I don't know for how long I couldn't breathe for, but I thought that I was going to die. I then realized that I was probably in a dream- so I started kicking my arms and legs in the dream with the hope that I'd wake myself up. Finally, my head twisted to the side- allowing me just enough consciousness to roll myself over.

This is Sleep Apnea in its truest form. In order to fall asleep- I laid on my back. It's the worst position for sleep apnea (my tongue goes back in my throat), but the easiest for me to fall asleep in. The whole cycle of breathing, not breathing, makes me a very deep sleeper- much deeper than when I lie on my side.

And I think that last night I almost suffocated myself to death.

"God, where have you been?"

2011-10-09T21:30:00.002-05:00

I've never felt so far away from you.

going public makes the friends drop like flies

2011-09-21T07:06:00.000-05:00

I'm rolling in cold to play the role
So you can't say you didn't see my face
And this ire is a costume, or pillowed airway
I swallowed it all after I forgot the taste

The shakes are how we manifest our temperment
And our silence is what keeps us known
Pull the curtains, the lemons from our eyeballs
Keep the illusion of how far we've gone

Would you believe that I've been tired
Since Sunday
Wish I could wake up

The smell of something carried by the wind
Makes me hate leaving even more
It's always near the end of summer, and I painted snow on windows
Like all of my memories before

It's going to be too late when I come around
To touch the keys and to play this for you
In a nonsense song, you'd never even hear me
Sometimes loving you all pulls me through

Would you believe that I've been tired
Since Sunday
Wish I could wake up

And in a billion years
I hope you're not invisible
And I hope you've found a better place than this
We all want to know the answers
But I'm just as scared as I'll always be
I'll always be.

Helpless

2011-08-29T09:07:00.003-05:00

I've held off on posting about this directly for the past 7 weeks because I was hoping that a cure was right around the corner and that everything would be okay. We'd push and push for something to happen, but then whenever anything did- nothing was ever fixed.

Four days before our trip to Wisconsin Dells, WI, Brittany slipped on the basement steps and landed on the concrete floor below. I heard a faint "Matt..." from the basement, so I went over there to help her out with whatever she was struggling with. I'm not exactly sure what happened between the steps and the floor- but my soda was on the second-to-top step, and Brittany was posed in a sort of chalk-outline-esque position, flat on her back at the bottom of them. It was a few minutes before we managed to get her back upstairs, but to be honest I wasn't really all that concerned.

That might seem appalling, but what needs to be understood is that Brittany manages to hurt herself a lot. Falling down the stairs is, in itself, a somewhat "regular" occurrance in our house (by regular, I mean that it's happened probably 5 or six times in the course of our marriage). I'm not an apathetic person, but I try to be honest on this blog, and I think that Brittany will agree that "annoyed" is my typical response to clumsiness, unless there is some real damage done.

As fate would have it- some real damage was done, although initially it wasn't all that obvious. She had trouble getting up and doing normal things in the days that followed, but she had just fallen so I was waiting for some bruises to heal and assumed that everything would soon be alright. We went to the Dells, came back, and she still wasn't better. Weeks passed by, she went on a little trip, came back, and she still wasn't better. In fact- she was getting worse and worse.

As these weeks went by- she made several trips to the doctor's office. An MRI and X-Rays revealed that she had a bulging disc between her L4 and L5 vertebrae that was pressing on a nerve center. Further examination uncovered a recurring problem with her SI joint. Needless to say- she's in some pain. Despite all of this- I think that maybe in the past 50-some days, she's been given 40 pain pills- instructed to take up to 2 at a time for up 6-8 hours of effectiveness. If you do the math on that- even at one pill at a time, twice a day for 12 - 16 hours of relief- that's only 20 days of pain relief. They refuse to give more because they're afraid that she's a "seeker", but come on now... I have two kids that need to be chased constantly by a woman that can barely even get up- let alone bend over.

To put things into perspective- each doctor visit is $100. Thankfully, insurance started to pick up after a while. She's been going to Physical Therapy as well, which is great- but it takes time for it to fix anything. Together with the insurance company we've paid SCMC (Stevens County Medical Center) well over $2000. If she were a "seeker", at $50 per pill ($2000 / 40 pills), she sure isn't getting her money's worth for it.

I'm not reaching out for support or anything here- but I wanted to admit a little bit of fault here and offer an explanation. Every day I come home for lunch or for the day and the woman that I love is wrenching in pain. I can only imagine how unbearable it is to take care of the kids while I'm away- bending and carrying them because she doesn't want them to remember their childhood as lacking in involvement. Sometimes I come home and she's making food for for them and crying her eyes out. Sometimes she calls me at work in the same spirits, with no one else to listen. I've offered to buy things, but she turns me down because she doesn't want to spend what we have on something that *might* work.

Her [online] friends bought her an inversion table- which has actually been helping- although it seems just temporary. They've been giving her a lot of support as well- and she always speaks well of them. Thank God for her online friends. But there's only so much that any of us can do.

I've never felt so helpless. It's destroying me. I've been hating this town because the hospital won't help. I've been hating my job for bringing us here. I got in a huge fight with my boss that could have cost me my job. I even applied for a field service job (my only option aside from working here, considering where we live). The only thing to do for the situation is to keep on trying to help.

I'm going with her on Tuesday to her appointment. If it doesn't help, we'll go someplace else. All that it takes is ONE person in the medical community to actually try.

recreational

2011-08-15T15:37:00.001-05:00

Today's post includes links and even a picture! I'm trying to be better at this blogging thing.

Today I decided to stop drinking non-decaf coffee. I still have plenty of other sources of caffeine, but I believe that "coffee" was the one holding most of my crippling addiction. If I can keep it under 100 mg per day, I think that I should be fine- at least I should be rid of my symptoms. I even feel like working out- for the first time in two weeks. Placebo effects are cool.

Let's talk about yo-yos.

For as often as I use them, I don't post about them a whole lot. In fact, I can only find one post doing a site search the includes the word "yo-yo". That particular post is from January of last year, in anticipation of my latest purchse- One Drop's Sovereign, serial number XLIV. It's crazy for me to think that in the past year and a half, it hasn't once crossed my mind that I've wanted to purchase another yo-yo. I've thrown the Sovereign pretty much exclusively ever since then- subbing in something different only when I've forgotten it.

I don't yo-yo all that often, and I almost never do so seriously. A few minutes here and there when I'm in between things at home is all that I really need. Most people find it initially interesting. Eventually they usually find it annoying.

I'm considering being a bit more serious about it. It isn't that I plan on yo-yoing more often, just that I plan on "trying" when I actually do. I know that this is kind of a random post- but I picked up my Doc Pop Bolt and decided that I needed to be a little more serious about it. Not beyond recreational, just more serious.

Let's Talk About Pressure

2011-08-11T14:45:00.001-05:00

As humans, we're taught that it's noble to stand up for what we believe in- and it is, to a point.

Let me start over. Like most people that I know, I frequent social networking sites in order to maintain some semblance of my life of yesteryear- when people wanted to hang out with me. It just so happens that I met quite a few of my online "friends" in a church setting. Often times, outlets such as these sites double as propaganda machines for causes. I know that I'm not telling you anything new- but I needed this as an intro to my point.

There's one specific forward going around- shown verbatim as it was most recently posted below, that I have a problem with:

"I believe in Jesus Christ. One Facebooker has challenged all believers to put this on their wall. The Bible says, "If you deny Me in front of your peers, I will deny you in front of My Father." This is a simple test. If you are not afraid to show it, re-post it. I proudly did!"

I know that these sort of things didn't originate on Facebook- I remember being kid getting pressured into wearing [*shudder*] t-shirts stating my faith. Why does it need to be thrown in the face of everyone? I can tell you from the outside (of the Church, not Christianity- mind you) looking in, that you aren't converting anyone. You're scaring them away and putting your credibility on the line.

Let me break it down for you. If you ask me if I'm a Christian, I'll say yes. If the topic of religion comes up, I'll tell you what I believe. Denying God in front of your peers and refusing to forward something on Facebook are two completely different things. I don't forward things because I don't forward things- and I know, deep down in my heart, that even if we believe the exact same thing- I'm going to think that you're a goober for forwarding something like this.

Also, I don't want to see you post something because you agree with one tiny little Christian point, and then put in the post about how the guy "has some messed up theology, but [I agree with this thing or that]". But then you say that I have to believe in the whole Bible, or I'm not a Christian. I've got news- the Bible was written by people. People inspired by God. The exact same kind of people whose videos you're posting from YouTube. The one thing that folks are unwilling to accept is that people have always been wrong in one way or another. Being in a book doesn't make something the truth. It doesn't make all of it wrong either, to be clear. God made us smart for a reason.

While I'm on the subject of unyeilding topics- shut up about politics. I'm getting pretty tired of the "I told you so"s from the Presidential party's opposition. Every 4 years (sometimes 8) we get a new guy in charge, and nobody freaking likes him. I get it. Shut up.

time for a lowercase post

2011-08-04T13:05:00.002-05:00

let's get a little less serious. for the past week, Brittany has been in Las Vegas visiting her friend. so that I didn't need to take a week off from work just to stay home and watch my girls, my mom has been in town. things have been going quite a bit better than I had expected.

I mean, I knew that I would miss Brittany- and it's not that I doubted my mom's child-care abilities, but I had no idea that things would go so well with my her here. Cambria and June (or, the beav and the bug, respectively) are eating well, playing well, and hardly watching tv at all. my mom's 55 years old, and she keeps up with them better than I can- which is going to make me sound like a bad parent, but it's the truth. to be thorough- Brit's a great parent, and the kids are never lacking attention. I'm just more of a "lay on the floor while you attack me" kind of a guy. I love them to death and there's a lot of playing, but my energy and tolerances are definitely limited.

I know that they can't wait to have their mom back- but I'm really glad that they have a chance to bond with their Grandmother in a way that I never got to with mine.

on the other side of things- Brit seems to be having a great time in Vegas. I'm pretty happy about that one, and I can't wait to have her back. I haven't worked out for a week (can't really justify it while my mom's here), so hopefully I still look beefy enough.

let's talk about the Holy Spirit

2011-07-29T12:36:00.000-05:00

I guess that this is going to turn into a series. So be it.

Fanaticism is taking any idea to an extreme. Religion exponentiates any effects that fanaticism would have on a person by tying such ideas to the very fate of an individual- whether that fate is hatred of self, internal judgement of others, delusional elation, or eternal damnation. I mention this, because there exist certain churches that believe that speaking in tongues is the very basis of a relationship with God. (whether or not they "say" this).

Let me be clear. If someone pressures you to speak in tongues and something comes out, it probably isn't real. In fact- since this is my blog- I'll just say that it isn't real, and leave it at that. If I told you that your food was poisoned, you would probably get sick.
Let me be clear in saying that I don't know for certain whether anyone actually speaks in tongues, or if it's just in everyone's head that does (or thinks so). I'm not trying to say that it can't or doesn't exist. I'm just saying that if it's happening to you, and you aren't sure that it's real- it probably isn't. There are effects that any given situation can have on a person depending upon the authorities involved. If I'm a doctor and I tell you that you have cancer, you'll probably think that you have cancer. If I'm a pastor and I tell you that God's healing you, you'll probably believe that he is.

And he might be. But you need to believe it. In fact- I can't think of a single prayer of mine that's had any effect on anyone but myself. It might be God + Hope, but the Hope needs to be there. For all intents and purposes, let's say that Hope is the same thing as Positive Thinking. This could be misconstrued into people believing that I'm doubting God's power- but let me be very clear that I'm not. The Bible states that God created man in his image. If God can heal people- then thanks be to God for giving us the power of positive thinking to heal ourselves. In fact, believing in this manner makes us much more accountable- seeing as how God made us intelligent enough to invent Aceteminophen.

Let's get back to speaking in tongues, because this is the last post that I want to do on it.

Speaking in tongues occurs in just a few passages in the Bible. Think about it. It would be great if the Holy Spirit (read: God- afterall, it is part of the Trinity) entered and cleansed you; intervened for you. How awesome is that? But it isn't who you are as a Christian, and NO ONE should be pressured to do it.

Jesus speaks out against blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, so I want to be careful here. Yes, I think that it [the Holy Spirit] exists and that there is power in it. In these Bible verses, the Holy Spirit would fill the room (Pentacost). They didn't have a choice but to be filled and to speak in tongues.

That being said, I want to conclude with the following. I believe in a relationship with an individual and God. It's different for everyone. Satiety is about being pure of heart, and finding that place with God. If you've found that place, and there is a "religious occurance" that makes you uncomfortable- then I suggest that you get away from it. Fanaticism is contagious like a bad disease.

Let's Talk About Religion

2011-07-26T08:25:00.004-05:00

In case it isn't obvious, I'm writing this post to clarify where I stand on religion. While I know that I can't be too elaborate in the amount of time that I have to write this- I'll do my best to summarize and just get everything on the table. These feelings were brought about by a number of things, not excluding a lot of feelings that I've sublimated for a long time.

Let me start off by saying that I was initially Catholic, but at such a young age that I only really remember how terrified I was of it. We later became Methodist- a denomination that kept me out of trouble, and allowed me to meet a number of great people. It was here that I learned the most about the Bible; the stories, a few verses, etc.

When I was old enough to drive (or run far enough, as it were), I attended various Pentacostal churches. It was here that I felt like I got to know God. It was a very nurturing environment, and for the first time I felt like God cared about us as emotional beings. I stayed with the church until I joined the Air Force- when I pretty much stopped going entirely. I never gave up my beliefs, though, and continued in prayer as if I had never left.

Fast forward 8 years. Religiously, although I didn't "feel" as close to God as I had been in high school- I was still obedient, and tried hard to do everything that I was taught the Bible wanted me to do. I avoided "unholy" things to the best of my ability. By this time, we had our first child, and the love that I immediately had for her was probably the most affirming proof of God that I ever had. My wife and I decided that we wanted our kids to grow up in the church- to have peer support and support for us as parents to maintain a Christian home.

We went a few times... enough to get Cambria baptized, at least. It was a bad experience. Brittany looked young, and immediately felt judged (she WAS judged, let's just leave it at that). Being new to the Church, she was just trying to establish a foundation- learn some Bible stories; learn how to pray. We also wanted a sense of community. This was a huge church- mind you. If it was going to happen anywhere- there seemed to be it. But it didn't happen. We stopped going, but ultimately wrote it off as "a bad experience", nothing more.

A year or so later, June (our second child) was born, and we moved. A few months after that, we started to attend a new church. This church was Pentacostal, and started off great. At first, I was a little worried that all of the speaking in tongues would freak Brittany out- but they really didn't do it that much. In fact- I hardly remember it being brought up in the first month or two. Things were good, although admittedly awkward because I wasn't sure what Brittany was comfortable with, and she wasn't too sure either. She was still new to this whole thing.

We started hanging out with people from church. It seemed that we were having people over for dinner every night of the week. It was exciting- we actually had friends! I started playing in the Worship band, and I loved it. We wanted to get more involved, so we started attending youth group. This didn't quite turn out the way that we wanted it to, though, because instead of being able to help out- each meeting was monopolized by the Pastor, and the environment made us feel more like teens than leaders. The only distinguishment, really, was that I would play guitar for a few songs at the end of the meetings.

Things started to get busy around the church- mostly in preparation for the arrival of a "Prophet". I was excited for him to come out, hoping that I could learn something about myself. Brit was excited too. He came, casted out demons, said some prophetic words; I actually gave quite a lot of money to support his ministry.

Then he left, and almost immediately the wool was pulled from Brittany's eyes. I still went to church and youth group for a while because I wanted to believe so badly- but eventually, I couldn't bring myself to anymore. It's like when he left, he left such a "conviction"- that's the Christian word for accountability to some ideal that is picked and chosen from the Bible- that every word of conversation and sermon in the church became judgemental, and referenced the prophet. Everyone was terrified that "the world" would pollute them, and list of things to avoid or certain damnation awaited were populated page by page.

We stopped going, but I continued to read the Bible. I read like crazy- I knew that the church was a paranoid, dilluted monster, and I wanted to know what the real God had to say about it.

Here's the thing about reading the Bible. God gets nicer and nicer as it goes on. If you begin reading from Genesis- you'll be tired of the killing soon after. Another notable thing about the Old Testament is that God is man-like. It even goes so far to say that God was frustrated, and set out to kill Moses- but Moses talked him out of it. He also manages to talk him out of killing the Israelites. Is this the same all-powerful, all-knowing God? God also gives Moses the ten commandments (including Thou Shalt Not Kill), and then in Leviticus instructs death as a consequence of breaking those commandments (as well as severe punishment for non-commandments). He tells Abraham to kill Isaac- oh, if Andrea Yates could have gotten away with that one...

Let's look at it from a different angle... supposedly, the Old Testament starts from the beginning, but it's been written down by Moses. While it may have been "inspired" by what God told him- it's not all true. A good part of Genesis is, at best, a bedtime story adorned with a bunch of geneology that Moses recalled to the best of his ability (or made up). There weren't extensive records kept of those things- in fact, written records were likely several centuries away from the time of "Adam", if such a man existed.

Moving on from the early books, we see the stories of David and Solomon, who were murderous, lustful men. The moral of these books is that because they were Christians, God supported them. I personally can't stand to read Psalms- the laments of the luckiest guy on Earth complaining when he's worried about something, and then praising God when they end up working out. The later books move on to books of suffering and faithfulness, and books of prophecy.

The New Testament is filled with a bunch of faithful, great men. However, they are just men. The fact is, that no matter how much we want to deny it- the Bible was written by men, and supported the ideals of the times. Christian morals are based upon how people felt about something 4,000 years ago- without any of the science or knowledge that we have today to justify it. Someday, hopefully the common Christian mind will have a true grip on phenomena like homosexuality and mental illness just like they do on diseases (like leprosy; the unclean), skin color, pork (also formally unclean), and the fact that women deserve better than to be submissive child factories. I get it- people want support, and there's a list of rules for it so we think that we need to abide by them. We're God's to judge, though. Nobody else's.

So here's my stance. I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died for my sins, because when I say his name I can feel things happening. I believe in parts of the Bible (most of it, in fact, as a historical record). I believe that Christianity/Religion/whatever you want to call it is meant to be a personal relationship between you and God, and that it's a gift that can be shared only in a loving way. I don't believe that we're here to save people- I believe that we're here to make people's lives better with love. I believe that God created science, the universe, what have you- but that it doesn't match what's in the Bible. I believe that anything committed with bad intentions that hurts one's self or other people and/or directly attacks God is a sin.

There's more to it- but this is the longest post that I've ever made, so I'll leave it at that.

it's been said before

2011-07-25T07:17:00.000-05:00

three step recovery plan:

coffee
mow the lawn
exercise

It'd be hard to spot if I weren't looking for it

2011-07-22T06:47:00.000-05:00

Since starting a Spotify Premium trial earlier this week, I've found music has been making me feel like it used to. It really makes me want to play it.

Frankly,

2011-07-21T08:33:00.005-05:00

It's hard to believe that it's been almost 3 weeks since my last post, but I guess that time flies. Last week Brittany, the kids, and myself took a trip to Wisconsin Dells to meet up with my mom, stepdad, and brother. Although at times this was quite stressful, overall it was a great trip- especially once we got settled in.

You see, I have this "control" problem. I try to keep it hidden, but secretly (not any more?) I have a very severe obsession with needing absolute control over my life. I know that this goes against what Modern Christianity would have you believe is right- while I do not agree that it is "wrong", I will concede that it's unhealthy. When faced with a situation that I have no control over, things start to go downhill for me very quickly. Examples of such are not knowing where I stand with people, not having access to information (no internet, relying on someone else to know what they're doing), and not having appropriate resources (no manual, no license for the software of something that I know how to fix, no access to a way to book a hotel in Richmond). Yes- the latter two of those are very broad categories, which just obviates that there are a vast number of things that can frustrate me to the point that I start to get a little crazy. I'm trying to get it under control- and have been doing better at work (not knowing where I stood with my boss was making me hate my job). Still, any situation where I have to rely on other people to be competent (like our Fargo house situation- thank God we have a good realtor) still drives me crazy.

Anyhow, once we got settled in and I got a little more control, things went very well.

This weekend is Brittany's birthday, and the following week she's going to Vegas to see a friend. My mom will be coming to Morris to help me with the kids for the Vegas trip- I think that particular week should be pretty good for all mentioned above. The week following that, I'll likely be heading back to Richmond, CA for the last time. I'm very excited to get them fixed up and not have to worry about it anymore. I wish that I had designed it to begin with. I spent all day yesterday polishing up their program- and I think that when we're finished the work on it, the customer will be very happy with it. I know I will be.

I've been trying to finish a class that I took an "Incomplete" on this week- although it will likely be next week before I'm done. I missed so many classes during the semester due to work that I really had no other choice. Once that's done, I'll likely re-enroll at Grantham and finish out my last degree. I really want to get started on a few projects, but Brittany is right that I need to find funding first (I get a raise when I graduate).

In other news- I've been Yelp!ing quite a bit lately, and although my reviews aren't very thorough- I think that my ratings are accurate. You can check out my profile at bigpants.yelp.com.

Thanks for reading.

twits tweets and twix

2011-07-05T08:32:00.003-05:00

June was a busy month, and July is looking to be busier- more on that in a future entry. I ended up going to Santa Barbara for a few days to see my brother and a friend and had a fantastic time. I really appreciate Brittany being okay with me just taking off like that. Southern California is wonderful- the marine layer, the mountains, the Santa Maria Tri-tip Sandwiches... awesome. Just awesome. I hung out with Adam, played Ping Pong, rode the bus (a lot), worked out, slept in, and even saw a movie in the theater. All in all, I only really ended up spending money on the plane ticket and a few meals. It was delightful.

The following weekend, however, I ended up getting shipped to Richmond (San Francisco), CA to work on a conveyor. I kind-of saw it coming all week, and was prepared when I woke up at 5AM on Friday for the news that I received (at 1PM) when it was decided that I would board a plane at 4PM (CST) from Fargo to be on site the following morning. I drew up schematics and wrote a program for what I thought would fix the problem earlier that day. I flew from Fargo to Minneapolis to San Francisco, arriving at 10 PM (Pacific Time), making up a few contingency programs on the plane. I found the time to make hotel reservations at the Courtyard in Richmond during my layover, and after picking up my rental car- headed for the hotel. Thank God they had my checked bag (when you're in the Electronics field, you check luggage- there's no way around it. Airport security sees wire cutters, tiny screwdrivers, and weird electrical things and the word "bomb" comes to mind pretty quickly).

For a little bit of background- my trip was scheduled through the following Tuesday, just in case I ran into any hangups. The conveyor needed to be running by Monday. Cambria's Birthday Party was on Sunday. I really didn't want to be one of those dads that missed their kid's birthday, but I take my job very seriously. Too seriously. I have a conundrum where I'm not sure where the line falls. I need my job to support my family, and I need to do well to better support my family. I wanted to be there for the party, but a part of me wanted to go to Richmond, just because I feel personally accountable for this conveyor (for no other reason though- I'm learning to really hate San Francisco). No matter, though- because I needed to go.

Back to the story. I pull up to the hotel at around 11:45. I grab my bags and head to check in. They had no record of my reservation. None. Something about their confirmation page looking a lot like their "are you sure?" page. They had just booked their last room.

I started calling around to every hotel within 20 miles except for the ones in the ghetto. No one had a room. So here I am- sitting in a bank parking lot in San Pablo in my black Dodge Avenger rental car. I keep forgetting to turn the lights on when I drive up the street because my Ford turns them on for me. I'm getting eyeballed by thugs. I'm freaking out because I can't find a hotel room. I've been incredibly busy for the past 21 hours.

I call the Days Inn in the ghetto. They have a room. I drive down there and check in just behind some woman whom the front desk attendant informs me is a crackhead. The attendant is nice. The room is only $80.

Walking up to the room is actually more frightening than the room itself- which only really required a new toilet seat, some light bulbs, some patches for all of the holes in the sheets, and a deadbolt. It's 3:00 AM. I've been up for 24 hours, and despite the yelling outside my hotel (or rather, Motel) room door, I fall asleep.

5:00 AM.

My alarm draws me to a lukewarm shower with no shampoo. I put on the clothes that I wore the day before with different socks and underwear and put "Starbucks" into the GPS. Starbucks is 0.1 miles away from my hotel room, but for some reason that I can't explain- wasn't in the ghetto at all. My Grande Caramel Lite Frappuccino fuels me for the day. I book the hotel next to the one that I originally tried to stay at (which ends up being $6 cheaper than the one in the ghetto).

At 6:30 I arrived on site, and the Electrician that I was working with arrived a few minutes later. I know that nobody that will read this really cares about this part- but I found the problem in the first 5 minutes and the rest of the day was spent making sure that the fix that I decided upon was implemented properly. The Electrician and his crew were great help- and I didn't end up doing any physical labor at all. Just rewiring and reprogramming. This was an Iron Ore Shiploading dock, so each of us spent the day getting caked in black powder from head to foot. With a break for an awesome cheeseburger at noon- by 5:00 PM, we were finished at the site.

I change my plane tickets to get me back on the red eye and cancel my hotel room. I find a Target and do my best to clean myself with water and paper towels. I take myself out for a steak before the flight. I'm excited- I'll be back for my baby's birthday.

I turn in my rental car and check in for my flight... or try to. The ticketing agent had taken my $150 and booked me for the Monday red eye, not the Sunday one. After an hour and a half on the phone with Delta, they get me on the right flights. I can't sleep on either of them, and make it to the party by noon. Cambria had a great time- I feel terrible for being completely lethargic throughout. We leave around 6 and get home around 8. If you do the math- that's 61 of 63 straight hours awake. I go to bed and sleep until noon the next day.

Thank you to my wife for putting up with me (I know I've spent this whole post whining- but Brittany really has been great). Sorry to my body, for what I make you go through for me. I promise you that someday the binges and purges of sleep and food will end.

Dear Everyone I Ever Really Knew

2011-06-13T07:27:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to blog for a while, but for some reason I just can't find the time for anything lately- partly because I'm busy, partly because I'm lazy. All of my computer time has been at work (which is probably why I never feel like being on my computer at home), and work has been especially busy lately.

Brittany and I have been on diets. She has a hard time telling that she's losing weight, but she looks amazing and I can tell that she has. I've been hovering around the same weight for about a month now- since I have trouble controlling myself on the weekends. It isn't a bad weight, though, but it could be better. I think that I look alright- especially after I work out. I'd be a little upset if I were still, say, 10 pounds heavier.

A lot changes when you have kids. What used to be an impromptu weekend drive ends up needing to be planned for days or weeks. Money is organized into "Safety Funds"- meaning that I have $2000 in an account just to pay my insurance deductible. I can't loan it out to myself, because I have no idea when I'll be able to pay it back. They're totally worth it, though. Cuddling Cambria is one of the best feelings in the world. Like I said- things just change. Priorities shift... suddenly your importance level shifts to below that of your wife and kids; somewhere even or below your work- but still above everyone else. All of that self-indulgent Twitter and artsy stuff just seems annoying. Your family just kind of becomes its own entity- existing on an island separate and lifted above everything else. And you- the working individual- try to float seamlessly between work and home, trying your hardest to give each the attention that it deserves; trying your hardest to convince each that the other one causes you no stress.

What it really comes down to is that I need some friends. Brittany has friends that she met online, and they seem to help her out. I guess that I've been in a bit of a slump. Maybe I just need better relationships with the friends that I do have. I miss being around my parents; my brother. I miss getting my butt kicked in Scrabble by Brittany. I have this idea that if I went home or even just visited my family (wherever they may be) for a few days, that I would work my way out of it quickly. I wish it were that easy... and it might be. I look on Priceline.com every day for deals- hoping that some $99 ticket to Harrisburg will suddenly be available. Maybe someday.

This entry is very long and rambling- which makes sense since I started it last Thursday. Sorry about that.

I write

2011-03-25T07:02:00.000-05:00

You have held my shield in battle
You gave your life for mine
You will hold my hand if I should fail
Your ways are always kind

I have hid from you in shadows
Still I find you at my side
Step by step, you lead me through
You make my path wide

You will dress me in white
You will make day from night
You can change hearts like mine
Jesus, may I catch your eye

You have called to me in darkness
You have been the only light
You prepare a feast each time I'm home
May I never leave your side

I'm so freaking sick right now

2011-03-21T12:04:00.002-05:00

I used to have a good immune system.

179

2011-03-08T06:51:00.000-06:00

I really hope that I get something out of this weekend. After I forget about all of the hell that we went through this past weekend- it was pretty good (all things considered). This weekend has potential- I just don't want to get my hopes too high.

I need a miracle

2011-03-01T05:47:00.000-06:00

from Sunday through Monday morning, I was crazy. lo and behold, yesterday I took a xanax for the first time.

look at that, 3 times in a week

2011-02-25T09:10:00.000-06:00

I cannot express to you, the internet, how badly I want to go someplace warm right now. Word has it that the happy pills take 2 weeks to kick in.

woodchucks chuck

2011-02-23T07:12:00.000-06:00

I have an appointment tomorrow with the doctor to see if I can get on Wellbutrin. I'm looking forward to a little boost to my current energy level so that I'm not so worn out at the end of the day. I never thought that something like our house situation could affect me like this, but it has. I have no motivation anymore- I hate going to class, and I don't even want to go to work even though I couldn't really ask for a better job.

I'm so thankful for my wife and kids that support me and can always make me smile. If there's one thing that I do look forward to, it's seeing them when I get home.

the pick me up

2011-02-22T07:12:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I read about something called "Seasonal Affective Disorder", which is pretty much another name for the winter blues. They've used Bupropion (Wellbutrin) to treat this with success. Then I read on- they've also successfully treated Adult ADHD (which I don't have- but increased concentration would be great), Social Phobia (which I don't have), and obesity (at much higher doses than I'd be willing to take).

On the dosage- when I was taking Wellbutrin, aside from the insomnia I was always worried about seizures. Turns out that at doses <300mg, these are quite rare (to the tune of 1 in 1000). And let's be real- I'm not super depressed, just a little down. I don't think that what I would need would be approaching those levels. Even 150 mg worked to keep me up all night studying for my Psychology GRE.

Then there's the mental side effects. Studies show that Wellbutrin may increase the chance of suicide in people under the age of 25 (although a few double-blind studies showed it to be no more common than a placebo). Finally, though- a perk to being old.

I'm just kind of rambling, but I sure am "Wintery Blue" right now. Maybe I should make an appointment.

but now it's too late

2011-02-21T09:24:00.000-06:00

the snow came and beat us up last night. even after working up the motivation to snow-blow everything that I could reach (that is, everything but the porches) this morning, I was blessed with another inch on top of the plowed paths by the time that I was done.

anyway, I don't know if it's just the winter thing or what- but if I keep feeling the way that I do right now, I'll need to get on some antidepressants.

The new diet

2011-02-11T08:18:00.003-06:00

I just read through my old posts, and the last time that I was on a real diet was in February of last year. That puts me about a year from then, and I'm not entirely disappointed with where I've ended up. I weigh 3 pounds less than I did at the beginning of the last diet (after 4 weeks of dieting) and am a little bit weaker- but the effort to be this way has been very, very low.

For years, I've relied on information available via various bodybuilding forums, Mens Health articles, and a number of respected authorities on bodybuilding information. I have quite a wealth of information in my head on how to gain muscle, how to lose fat, etc. But before I started this diet I, in my complacence, made a decision.

I am not a bodybuilder. In fact, I don't really care to get larger at all (except for my calves- darn those genetics). My ideal bodyfat is around 10%- which doesn't really require strictness to any certain level to a diet. This means that I don't really need to ONLY eat protein and fibrous vegetables- if I want, I can eat some pizza- even ice cream. I just need to eat a lot less of it. The key to retaining muscle is exercise and protein- and while I keep my protein intake as high as possible- I don't exactly go to great lengths to do it. I exercise twice a week- each workout is two sets per body part to failure. They take me about half an hour each, and I do them in my basement. This is much more manageable than what I was doing before. So far I'm about half way to my goal weight from where I started. Here's the stats as compared to my diet last year:

-I can do more push ups/ more reps of 65 lb dumbbell presses (65's are the max that -I can get into press position without hurting my elbows on the floor) than when I started- although I'm still weaker than I was last year.
-I can do more pull ups and chin ups than when I started- although, still, I'm weaker than I was last year.
-Weight loss has been at the same speed.
-I spend about 1/4 of the time working out.
-I enjoy the food that I eat.
-I haven't hurt myself like I did last year, because of the manageable workouts.
-I don't constantly feel overwhelmed with the need to eat, or an obsession to make my refeeds efficient. Frankly, I refeed whenever I'm really hungry, and I can generally make up the extra calories in 1 day of dieting. This means around 4 days on average of dieting per week at 1000 calorie/day average deficit = >1 pound per week of weight loss. Not too shabby.

the culmination of many things

2011-02-03T09:03:00.000-06:00

In case you couldn't tell, we are currently enveloped in financial disarray of such proportions that we're on the verge of a major credit hit: foreclosure. To ensure that we have a place to live, we are getting a loan for our current residence. Our house in Fargo is currently on the market, and we'll continue to make house payments as long as we can- hopefully until it sells sometime VERY soon. Otherwise, I'll let everyone know what foreclosure is like. I can tell you this, though- that house stresses us out more than any other thing right now. Between the sheer ($1700+) cost of it, to the trips to Fargo whenever we can get there- it's a huge headache that I can't wait to get rid of. I'm not going to intentionally ruin my credit, but there WILL come a point at which I won't be able to pay the $1100/month mortgage payment or $200 in gas to get there, though.

Once again, I don't understand my Calculus (2) class. I've been attending class every day, and I got it up until last week- when I suddenly just stopped. We entered one lesson that was beyond my grasp, and every lesson since has been as well. It isn't like Calculus I, where I "got" it, but I just kept making mistakes. I don't, in fact "get" this at all. Wolfram Alpha has been helping me so far- and I intend on using it for an all-night cram session before the first test, hoping for some sort of a breakthrough.

On an unrelated note- my girls are growing up so fast, and they are very cute.

the illness and the recovery

2011-01-28T21:32:00.000-06:00

the flu has put a damper on my weight loss plans, but I'm getting better. just yesterday morning, I could hardly move at all.

it's about weight again

2011-01-17T06:27:00.002-06:00

because exhaustion is an illness.

I need to complain

2011-01-11T07:03:00.000-06:00

Every day we dig farther into debt,
And we're buried in seven more inches of snow.
We live in the dream house that will be taken away,
When the money from school stops its flow.

I thought we'd be good 'till the end of March,
But with each month that is passing, savings decreases.
We always want more than the bank can afford,
And it's tearing my mind into pieces.

I wish I hadn't bought that stupid truck topper,
Wish I had the 300 bucks that I paid.
I just transfered a months rent from savings to checking,
To cover the hole that it made.

But even if it were there, I still couldn't pay the bills,
And the 400 on top would still go.
From the reserves that I set aside to live a good life,
To my gas tank so I can go shovel snow.

I just keep on working from dark until dark,
To work then school then work again.
And I'll pray and I'll hope that my bills will be paid,
In the 5 minutes between work and my bed.

(But they won't, and there's nothing that we can do about it.)

My work...

2011-01-07T15:36:00.000-06:00

I've been working a lot lately. Most people don't really know what Electrical Engineers do for a living, and the fact of the matter is that most of us work in such different capacities- that we aren't exactly interchangeable.

I do programming, design, testing, prototyping, schematics, a little bit of IT, compliance, and some installation.

I made this spreadsheet for sizing motor generators. It allows you to specify as many as 20 different motors along with a control transformable and allowable voltage drop. As far as I know, it's the only one available-

Most of us do these calculations by hand using: (kW of Largest motor inrush) + (sum of the ratings of the rest of the motors)

This will give you a safe rating, for sure, but the more advanced calculations involve determining available power after startup. Using this, you can possibly rate your generator for the locked rotor torque of your largest motor alone (minus allowable voltage drop).

Anyhow, this spreadsheet takes all of this into account. For liability purposes- I assume no liability for use of this spreadsheet for calculation purposes, so use it at your own risk.

I use it, though.

the "rise from the deep" button

2011-01-04T13:37:00.000-06:00

I'm apprehensive, reluctant, happy, and depressed all at the same time. There are holes in my faith that I'm finding it hard to fill, and doubts about the future that continue to swallow me whole.

I ask God to be the solution. I know that he's real every time I hold my daughters in my arms... why is it so hard to trust completely in a God that I can't hear?

a weird turn

2010-12-07T06:34:00.002-06:00

lately I've been compelled to write Christian Worship music. For real.

It actually doesn't sound too horrible either.

my morning productivity

2010-11-15T06:53:00.000-06:00

I'm always impressed at how much I can get done in the mornings if I can actually manage to drag myself out of bed. Yesterday I played in the church worship band for the first time, and so I thought that it would be good to catch up on my other committments. This morning June woke me up at 4:20, so I worked out, moved the car seats, and quickly finished a program revision at work with enough time left to write this blog post before I'm actually supposed to be here.

Tonight we have guests over, but I need to take a proficiency test, try to fix my guitar, and do a lab for Electronics Communications. I graduate at the end of next July. Because I deal with stress by stuffing my face- I'm basically viewing it as a pregnancy.

of up and coming monarchs

2010-11-11T06:19:00.000-06:00

I've started actively practicing guitar again- well, a little at least. I'm loving it just the same as I always had... it's kind of like riding a bike, but finger flexibility is quite the hard thing to get back. Yesterday I tabbed out "Days and Days" by Tegan and Sara for Brittany, and this morning I figured out another song- but I'm thinking of keeping it a secret for the time being. I used to do that all of the time. When I figured out "Everything Evil", I thought that it was that coolest thing that I had ever done. Now I guess that I write programs for industrial machines instead...

Last night Brit and I made a little bit of time for each other. It wasn't a whole lot- maybe half an hour or so? It's crazy how people can go off track and not make just a little bit of time for each other. Don't get me wrong- it's not like we're never together. We're together almost all of the time that I'm home, but none of that time was actually dedicated to talking to each other or playing games or anything else that normal couples do. It really felt nice. I love my wife, and I'm kind of disappointed in myself that lately maintaining our relationship hasn't even been on my tasklist. It's like I just expected it to still be there whenever I was finished working on everything else.

This morning a good morning. When I can pull myself out of bed to work out, I never regret it. I even had a little bit of extra time to play guitar. I don't know why I'm not able to do it more often. It really does become a vicious cycle-

Step 1: I get a little stressed out
Step 2: I eat to the point where I feel sick the next morning, so I don't work out
Step 3: Not working out gives me no stress relief
Step 4: Return to step 2

I realize that I'm not really all that overweight. I weighed 186 this morning and I want to weigh 175. That's 11 pounds- piece of cake. Except that's the thing- I can't lay off of the cake. If I could, I would probably be under 180 by Thanksgiving from that alone.

the one thing that I can't handle

2010-11-02T06:53:00.002-05:00

if anyone really knows me, then they know my pet peeve- waiting.

I'm two weeks behind on my Electronics Communications homework because my instructor posts lab instructions that are impossible to interpret. Last night, finally, he sent me some clarification. Instead of working on it, we had dinner with some friends. After they left, I went to bed because I have a pretty serious sinus infection going on.

thus enters my other pet peeve- being late.

I really do have some control issues. God, I'm working on them.

stuck

2010-10-27T03:12:00.003-05:00

I've spent a good part of the past month traveling. I was in Richmond, Virginia from 9/27 - 10/2; Eugene, Oregon from 10/12 - 10/15 and spent yesterday at MSP; tonight at PHX, and the next two days in San Francisco. That's 13 of 31 days away, not to mention the fact that I've spent every remaining Thursday at customer sites. As much as I like being the star at work, this traveling is not only affecting my grades (just failed a Math test- kind of hard to keep up with that stuff when you can't go to class), my sleep schedule (take tonight, for example, where I won't be getting to sleep until after I'm finished at the customer's site; ~40 straight hours awake) but much more importantly- my home life.

Brittany is used to me coming home and giving her a little break from Cambria and June. It's good for her, good for them, and it's good for me. I miss them during the day and can't wait to get home and hug them. All of this traveling changes everything, though. Because I'm out of town, Brit doesn't get the break that keeps her sane. When I get home, I feel obliged to "make up" for all of the parenting that I couldn't do while I was out on the road.

The thing is, I can't. I just can't. I feel like I never get a break. It really is impossible for me to work, go to class, do my homework, take care of them as much as I can (I'm not saying that I don't get help- it's not like Brittany is making me do this or anything), AND have time for myself. To compound upon this- as soon as I get home, I need to catch up on the lawn or we need to go to Fargo to do that lawn; and I think about what I would do for just a little bit of time alone on the couch with my wife and nothing else to do. Instead, I spend my would-be freetime driving all over Minnesota while trying to keep Cambria from screaming.

I bought myself a microcontroller kit for my birthday. It's up in the cupboard, and will stay there until at least after I graduate. Until tonight as I type this blog, I hadn't used my computer for non-work/homework purposes for more than 10 minutes straight in what seems like forever. My mom wants to see the girls on Skype, but I honestly just don't have the energy for it. I'll be holding June because I can't handle the crying or trying to pay attention to Cammy because she sees me holding June... My eyes drift to the TV because I just want to zone out and relax for a while. If it's nice outside, the dog doesn't have to sleep inside (in our bed... she'll relieve herself on the floor if we kept her elsewhere), but that's the only alone time that I get with my wife.

I go to work for money to provide a good life for my family. I go to school for money to provide a good life for my family. I really wish that we could enjoy it together, but I'm mentally and physically beyond exhaustion.

coheed

2010-10-13T06:17:00.002-05:00

Coheed's setlist last night was unbelievable. Neverender and Delerium Trigger are SO good live.

Now off to Oregon.

church

2010-10-11T06:26:00.000-05:00

yesterday we went to church, and it was good. I didn't expect it to be.

Kahn.

2010-10-05T07:19:00.003-05:00

I spent the past week until Sunday in Richmond, VA with my brother and his wife (well, she was supposed to be his ex-wife but the paperwork got mixed up, they got back together, and... well I guess it's a long story). I had class for three days which was exhausting at best, but I really did have a great time with the two of them. I had a lot of good food (East coast cuisine), got a bit of extra weekend sleep, and we even went golfing at what was probably one of the worst golf courses in the US. I missed the girls, though, so I'm glad to be home.

surviving the pile

2010-09-28T15:16:00.002-05:00

The past few weeks have been crazy. I've worked like a million hours and traveled on site twice tryng to get my pile program to work. It was working fine on the test bench, but you really do see things happen on an actual machine that you don't see on the test pad. It's close, though, and I'm confident that the next time out there will be the last.

As a break in the chaos, I'm attending NEC training for the rest of the week in Richmond. It should be good, considering that I'll be staying with Adam. I managed to make my flight this morning, so it must have been fate.

onto being caught up

2010-09-21T06:20:00.002-05:00

I finally passed my Trig qualifying exam for Calc I yesterday, which makes it officially 3 attempts to pass each of the tests. That's a pretty crappy statistic. I'm caught up just in time to miss 3 days worth of class next week for NEC training in Richmond. I'm excited about going to Richmond- the class, though... well, whatever. At least I'll get to do my make-up homework in front of Adam's huge LED TV (I actually just bought a 32" LED TV... about 1/4 the size of his).

We're trying really hard to potty train Cams, and it's proving to be a very difficult process. Brit even made a chart with stars and stickers, which doesn't seem to be working yet but sure does look promising. She's had it pretty rough the past few weeks with June being sick and falling down the stairs. If the bear would potty train, it sure would be nice fruit for effort.

I came in early to work so that I could remote into a coworker's computer and program an HMI. Their computer is locked, though, so I can't really do anything if I don't want to kick them off of it. It really sucks not having software on your own computer available when you need it. That and the fact that I volunteered to take the crappy laptop (does NOT recover from sleep, so I need to restart it every time I want to use it) have been quite frustrating over the past few weeks.

I'm close to if not done with the program rewrite, though, so I'm proud of that. On Thursday I'm going to a gravel pit in Hankinson to test it.

hot water and soda

2010-09-13T16:19:00.002-05:00

taking a break from working outside...

the rewrite, or what it has become, is coming along nicely. hopefully when I plug in the latest revision (which I did at my desk), it will have the first pile type done. I don't really want to talk about exactly what I work about on this blog- just know that I program equipment that takes the material that is on it and arranges it into nice little piles.

tonight I have a proficiency test in Calculus. if I pass it, I'll be all caught up in that class. this isn't exactly likely to happen because I haven't studied for 2 weeks (I was studying up for the other proficiency test- which I passed last Thursday).

I should probably get back to work.

as much as I hate to admit this

2010-09-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

There is something that I am not good at. Math.

getting caught up

2010-09-07T06:24:00.002-05:00

It was an average weekend. A day longer, but average.

Most people don't realize that once you become a parent, the sleep deprivation doesn't really stop until the kids are... well, how about I let you know when we get there. We spend most of our weekends trying to accomplish all of the household tasks- which is a list that could never, ever be completed in a million years because it will never stop growing. I get exhausted just thinking about it. The rest of the time (when we've both decided that we're too tired to work anymore- I usually hit this point sometime Friday afternoon, but do my best to push on until Brittany is there too) we are either driving, shopping for diapers or groceries, and squeezing in whatever rest we can get.

People at work ask me "Do you have any big plans for the weekend?", and I usually respond with "no", unless some trip that doesn't involve mowing the lawn in Fargo are involved. The truth is, the best part of almost every weekend is not waking up at 5 AM. This weekend, Brit actually let me sleep in every day- which was a treat.

I know, if anyone else out there is reading this that they would be like "what about spending time with your kids?". This is a good part of my weekend, don't get me wrong. I love my girls and I really do enjoy being home with them. But let's go back to the beginning of this post- you know this work that we're doing? Either one or both of them are screaming the entire time that we're doing it. I'm not talking about little girl screaming because they're playing- I'm talking about June bawling maniacally until you can't even think straight.

Brittany has dealt with this every single day for the past 2 years. I'm only guessing on this, but the best part of her weekend aside from maybe an extra nap or two is the fact that she has someone to help with the kids. That's like me working 7 days a week, but on the weekends I can stand behind someone and tell them what to do while they program at my computer. The crazy part about it is that she doesn't actually desire any time away from the kids aside from maybe a few hours. She absolutely wouldn't go for an overnighter.

Most parents will tell you that parenthood is very rewarding, and that there's nothing in life that they're more proud of than their kids. This is true. The feeling that you get when your daughter smiles at the sound of your voice, cuddles up next to you, or tells you her ABC's is better than anything out there. Without it, this whole parenting thing would be a really shitty deal.

they're um, ALL tough ones?

2010-09-02T07:17:00.002-05:00

I tried to sharpen the reel mower blades last night but didn't have the tools for it here in Morris. I kept trying to take the mower apart anyhow, thinking that if I squeased hard enough with the slip joint pliers that I could get the wheel loose.

This was a mistake. Not in the sense that I ruined anything- just that in my inability to get the wheel loose, I about lost my mind in anger and frustration. When you couple this with Cambria trying to run in the road while I'm out there trying to watch her and fix the mower at the same time... well just imagine it, after an already extremely tough past two days. I was frakking pissed.

I left my Operating Systems book at work, so I could only work on Math homework. I have a make-up test tonight that I'm pretty sure that I'm ready for (as well as the OTHER make-up test next Wednesday), and I have my Math homework done through the weekend. I also came into work an hour and a half early and finished two Operating Systems assignments as well as the midterm (92.5%).

My biggest pet peeve is waiting on people. Being behind on schoolwork and the lawns is killing me, because I'm waiting on myself. Once I get these tests over with and the lawns mowed, hopefully the inferno inside will subside.

who is Dr. O and why does he keep chasing me?

2010-09-01T16:48:00.004-05:00

I try my best not to make this blog about complaining, but plain and simple- yesterday was a bad one. there's this kid (yeah, I'm old and college freshmen are "kids") who sits next to me in Calculus named Bridget, or Bridgette, or some other adaptation of how to get from here to "it". Anyhow, we sit in the front because that's where you can see a good 2/3 of the white board and hear Dr. O'Reilly. while I'm doodling on a notepad trying to take my mind off of the anxiety soon to land in front of me- she remarks that "Calculus is fun", and that she likes to do her boyfriend's homework for him. She goes on to say that she doesn't just do his Calc. homework, but also the Calc. homework of some of his friends. needless to say, I've definitely considered looking Harrison up on Facebook. 2 last names- we can be friends, right?

I failed both tests. Algebraic functions by a single question, Trigonometry by several.

Let's go back to the events leading up to the test yesterday morning.

I woke up ill-rested, worried about failing and tired from studying the night before. The anxiety begins.

At work, I spent the better part of the morning on the phone with technical support trying to get my Siemens PLC to do PWM the way that it says it can. It took me an hour and a half just to get it to talk to the computer. (Siemens software isn't Windows 7 compatible- run an XP virtual machine and make sure that you share your networking resources). The anxiety builds.

Additionally, my dog has bladder stones, too- and leaves messes wherever she goes of the #1 or #2 degree. Some of those messes are beyond the smell degree for Brittany to clean them up. One such mess was yesterday right before my test. The anxiety peaks.

During the test, my boss called. Unable to check my phone, I could only imagine things that were going on that would warrant calling me during a Calc test. The anxiety volcano erupts.

I'm not trying to blame all of my poor preformance on this stuff- because if I had studied and studied, I would have been confident enough to pass, no problem. But could I have done better? Could I have at least passed the Algebraic equations exam? Absolutely.

By the time that I returned, I was actually incapable of producing a single acceptable thought. I forgot my computer logon at work- that's how bad it was.

I spent the rest of the day outside trying to fix a conveyor, which was surprisingly theraputic. Anything would be after that morning.

Once again, I don't mean to complain. But, like I said, it was a bad one.

'cause I don't mind

2010-08-31T06:26:00.003-05:00

Today in Calculus I have to take two comprehension tests- one on elementary functions (Precalculus and Algebraic functions) and one on Trigonometry. I had no idea how much I had forgotten about both. I've spent a good amount of time avoiding math- probably due to having too many friends in math class in high school. Algebra was all about passing notes. I drew a lot of non-geometric pictures in Geometry. I'm pretty sure that my calculator got me through Trig/Precalc. I don't remember much of Algebra II- I think that I slept through at least 50% of it.

So it isn't that I have an inability to comprehend math- just that I've always found something "better" to do, and I end up paying for it on tests. I never planned on going into any career field that needed a significant amount of it, and so I just didn't pay attention. I can hear Mr. Neff and Mr. Moyer laughing and pointing fingers at me now...

I'm trying to pay more attention to this blog. It seems that I have so much going on, and when I commit to one thing (like in my previous post), that several other commitments follow. I think that it's just easier to stay motivated when you don't give yourself time to feel sorry for yourself. I actually managed to do 3 sets last night (1 set of arm curls and 2 sets of push ups with Cammy on my back) and 16 sets this morning- so I'm off to a good start. I might need to go mow the lawn in Fargo tonight after Brittany's pedicure, so that will take care of the bulk of my sleep deprivation and workout for the week.

If I pass these tests, I think that by tomorrow after my morning coffee I'll be over the hump.

we need a couch in the basement

2010-08-30T06:53:00.002-05:00

this past weekend we went to St. Cloud and the cities to celebrate our anniversary. because we don't really have anyone to help us out, we took the girls with us, which actually didn't turn out as badly as I thought it would. we went to the zoo, a few malls, a few targets, and even Culver's for some Blue Moon custard- and aside from Cambria's normal freak-outs (which were rather sparse probably due to the flurry of activity) it was still fun. I think that Brittany and I came to the realization long ago, that until the kids can take care of themselves for a while- alone time is out of the question. sure, it's a little depressing and I sincerely miss just being around her every once in a while, but it's life. I wouldn't trade the girls for anything.

after a good weekend of shopping and zoo-going, I settled in for a night of sleep catch-up and digestion of the weekend's partakings. on average, I gain about a pound of fat and 2-3 pounds of waterweight each weekend (a habit that I'm eager to give up), and I usually lose it by Thursday with a combination of a regular routine including food restriction, lawn mowing, and a workout or two. this weekend, I wouldn't be surprised if the weight gain were in the two-pound range. I'm in for a challenge to drop this before the weekend rolls in. part of being a relatively active individual and overeating is that my body tries to make up for it by increasing my body temperature and burning it off. the most noticeable time that it does this is right before bed. last night I was burning up. my stomach was sick and I was nauseous. like way too many nights before, the combination of my metabolism and and the fact that I get sick to the stomach way too easily was synergistically tearing away at my core.

I thought- I don't need a weight loss plan... at most I need to drop 10 pounds. What I do need is a serious lifestyle change. So here's the goal... a much more complex one this time. Brittany's goals are centered around the upcoming Coheed concert, so I'll put mine there as well. The point of it is that my current lifestyle has my self-esteem and my health completely in the toilet every single Monday morning. Exercise and healthy eating have always worked way better than any anti-depressant for me, and to be honest with myself- my mood hasn't been the best, so I could use the help.

By October 13th I WILL:

Have a maintained exercise routine that consists of at least 36 total sets of compound exercises (they can be done all at once, but ideally spread out over 2-3 days)- this is actually my current routine, I just only manage to complete it every other week or so

Maintain a cardio routine of at least 2 hours per week (mowing the two lawns will more than take care of this; for those who don't know, I have a reel lawn mower- and it is very, very dull)

Get my weight down to 175 pounds, and restrict my calories to no more than 3300 (500 over maintenance) from Friday through Sunday. Once 175 is reached- all other aspects of this must be maintained, but I can increase my calories during the week to prevent further weight loss.

Finally added...

2010-08-27T16:51:00.002-05:00

after months of wanting to add a different e-mail address to this account, I finally succeeded, so I will post the good news below.

I've been married for 5 years today. It's been good, although I admit that it will be better when the kids can entertain themselves for a few minutes. I love my family.

I'm taking Calculus I. The workload is going to be rather huge (it's a 5 credit class), but I think that I will manage to do alright. I hope so, at least. I like the teacher- he's Irish. Way too tall to be a leprechaun, but his accent is good enough to keep my attention nonetheless. I'm also taking Operating Systems through Grantham (where I'm actually enrolled in my degree program). So far so good there- I'm already a week ahead of schedule.

pretty sure I'm going to be sick

2010-08-24T05:03:00.002-05:00

all work and no play makes Matt tired.

I wish that it were getting easier

2010-08-20T06:35:00.000-05:00

Let me start out by saying that things lately have been very nice. We've been very lucky financially, not to the point that we have money to spare- but to the point where when things get sour here in the next few months- we have a few dollars extra to cover expenses (like rent if the GI Bill doesn't pull through for us).

I do wish that the house would sell, though. Every week I've been making the exhausting trip after work to Fargo to mow the lawn and stuff my truck full of random items, and I'm ready for it to be done. With work getting a bit more challenging and school starting next week, I can barely tolerate doing that trip any more. Don't get me wrong, I've always enjoyed driving- just not the reason that I'm going there or the fact that it doesn't get me home until near midnight.

oh baby I feel so down

2010-08-10T06:58:00.000-05:00

yesterday after work I drove to Fargo. I stopped by Target, which was packed due to the 95 degree heat, and was disappointed to find that they no longer stocked the high chair that we've been waiting months to have the money for. I drove to the house in Fargo and first weedwhacked, then mowed, then loaded stuff from the house into the car (the last load until we're out of there for good).

somewhere between the mowing and the moving, I managed to work myself into a sweaty fury of external wetness (which is the essence of moisture, by the way). after I fearlessly climbed up into and cleared out the 9 foot high loft above the stairs I decided that I was too sweaty to climb back down without hurting myself. I called some people, and finally after around an hour trapped in my acrophobic sweatbox, a guy from Tecton showed up with a ladder. we talked for a little longer than we should have, considering the drive ahead and the fact that I had to get up for work at 5 this morning- and by the time that I cleaned up the glass from the artwork that hit the floor and shattered it was almost 11 PM.

(on a side note- the art work is the reason that I couldn't jump down. anyone who watches action movies knows that you can handle any fall so long as you roll when you hit the ground... I really didn't feel like rolling on shards of broken glass, however)

I got home at around 12:45 AM and went to bed. despite being drenched in sweat all night and having a crazy nightmare about cats biting me in the jugular, here I am at work.

thanks for reading.

August 27th 2010

2010-08-04T10:20:00.000-05:00

Exactly one month from when I was supposed to die, I will be celebrating the 5th anniversary of my wedding to Brittany. I'm pretty excited about that, and I think that as a whole- the two of us have been very successful as a couple. While I have to admit that each of us has put up with a fair share of crap from the other, I think that we're stronger now than we have ever been.

So here's to five years with the person whom I respect and adore more than any other person in the world.

staying alive_

2010-07-28T06:20:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It's July 28, 2010. I'm still alive.

I'm pretty happy about that.

we're listed

2010-06-22T09:35:00.000-05:00

Our house is listed and there is a sign in our front yard.

Gogogogogogo!

In other news, I have 3 homework assignments due tonight (technically one of them was due last night). It looks like it will be a long night, including gymnastics.

if you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart

2010-06-21T06:40:00.000-05:00

just when I thought that I was done fending off the attacks of people trying to get me to stay, another one came along this morning. I stepped in to work at 5:45 to find that the lock had been changed on my office door. I then walked around the building (no earplugs or safety glasses, so I couldn't take the plant floor) to maintenance where I sat for a while before asking someone to open my office for me. everyone knows what time I get here, yet there was no mention that the locks were going to be changed. that really makes me want to stay.

I believe that I'm finished repainting the house. the last container of paint was horribly chunky, and ended up retexturing a good portion of the walls for us. I had never seen anything like it... it had the texture of soft serve ice cream. hopefully Brit just has to pull the tape from the walls and move the couch back into place and it will be good to show the realtor this afternoon. hopefully.

a full month? really?

2010-06-17T07:44:00.000-05:00

I took a job in Morris, MN. I'm excited to start... the area, my bosses, and the job in general seem to be pretty much ideal. I honestly didn't want to move, and when my current company made me a counter-offer for the identical amount, I really had to think about it. Because this is my blog, here was my pros and cons list of going to Morris.

Pros:
Tuition reimbursement
Time during the workday to attend class
A good starting wage and a plan for a raise
Flexible hours
A family-oriented company
401k matching
Better insurance
An actual R&D Budget
Total expected income differential, assuming that the house sells as compared to the counteroffer: 2000 (401k) + 8000 (tuition reimbursement) = $10,000

Cons:
Prepping and selling the house
2 mortgages for an uncertain period of time (possible first-year loss of $12,000 excluding GI Bill money)
Could make the same base salary where I'm at if I accepted the counteroffer
Enjoy my job, just hate that there was a wage freeze after I was promoted a year and a half ago
Leaving in the middle of an awesome project
Leaving our friends here in Fargo

in a blaze of glory

2010-05-04T07:09:00.000-05:00

Today at the gym, a man brought what appeared to be his son in to work out (not to be a jerk, but he needed it, if you know what I mean). They and their hunting hats and combat boots collectively clogged the doorway into the gym for 5 minutes- which was longer than the kid managed to do shoulder presses for before he migrated back to the lobby.

He did manage to watch me do 2 sets of dips and all of my cable work, though. Thanks for the stares of encouragement.

this college life

2010-05-03T06:54:00.000-05:00

Assuming that I can find time for it, I will finish my first semester (back) at college this week. Somehow, I've managed to keep up a decent workout schedule, play with my newborn baby and (almost) 2 year old girls, and still manage to finish my first semester 3 weeks early.

I credit my wife- who has done a lot to make sure that I have time to do schoolwork, and whose perfection and support motivates me to push towards better things for our family.

parched is rooted like parchment, so therefore I'm paper

2010-04-23T07:45:00.000-05:00

Today my little girl is 16 days old.

Brittany has been putting a lot into breast feeding, and it has all but taken its toll on her. What happens a lot easier for a lot of people just hasn't been happening for her, but she's really putting up a fight. She has a meeting with a lactation consultant today, and hopefully it will straighten things out to where they need to go. If not, I guess we'll have to go with formula. I know that it sounds easy, but it's a lot like running a marathon and breaking your pelvis in the last 400 meters. You've come this far, you're beyond exhausted, and now you can't finish the race. I really hope that she can do it. She's great, the perfect woman. It's hard to see her this worn out and discouraged...

Speaking of exhaustion- coffee and exercise are the only things keeping me awake anymore. There's no drive, no desire to be awake, really... just coffee and push ups. And I've been getting HOURS more sleep than Brittany. I don't remember it being this awful with Cambria, but then again- Cambria took a pacifier.

Speaking of Cammy- she's been great. She's been sleeping in her bed, and even when she wakes up and does cry- she'll go back to sleep if I come in and comfort her for a few minutes.

June

2010-04-18T21:00:00.000-05:00

We had a baby girl on April 7th. June Rosemarie. Additionally, I started school on that day. On the downside, I'm about 3 weeks behind on SCADA. Oh well... everything else is going pretty well.

Brittany is a great mom, and Cammy has been so cute.

should've stayed at Eurotherm

2010-03-31T06:40:00.000-05:00

theoretically. better pay, promotion potential, outstanding benefits.

but we want to be close to family. have I found the golden goose? we'll see.

get down girl, go 'head get down

2010-03-23T07:03:00.002-05:00

Is it time to start bitching about raises again? Yes. Yes it is.

when Heaven and Hell decide

2010-03-22T06:40:00.000-05:00

I've been praying that our money situation will get better. We're frankly out of places to pull it out of.

I have faith, though. Something is going to fix it, I just don't know what yet.

Thank you, God.

If you call, then I'm coming to get ya

2010-03-17T06:22:00.000-05:00

She had contractions all night. June might be coming a tad bit early.

icy to dull the pain, hot to relax it away

2010-03-15T06:59:00.000-05:00

I meet with an orthopedic surgeon tomorrow. Donating plasma today and Wednesday. Maybe I'll go to the gym tomorrow before work... I'm already starting to feel depressed. Maybe not working out with my left arm accelerates the endorphin -> depression transition.

The Blog Battles

2010-03-11T08:09:00.000-06:00

Due to a need to compartmentalize my online life, I've decided that My Process Applications Blog is dead to me. The main reason for this is that after working all day on programs, circuits, and PLCs- I really have no motivation to update it. I'll leave it up for a month or two, but after that it's coming down. Also, my future daughter, work, and school are slotted to take over my entire life... which brings me to my next point.

I really miss all of my artistic outlets... so I've started a She Hurts (the music) blog. Nobody reads these, so it doesn't matter too much to anyone- but in case anyone happens to stumble accross this page and by chance stumbles over to that one, it should be at least a little decent. It will mostly be drawings and bad poetry.

school, arm, etc.

2010-03-08T08:57:00.000-06:00

I eat a lot when I'm worried about things. This along with barely being able to work out is really quite depressing. I'll go again tonight, so at least I'll get one day of decent eating underway (work-days + gym = decent diet day).

I'm thinking of going with the original GI Bill and paying for school with student loans- that way I don't need to take classes on campus. It puts us in the hole, but I really need the money and can't really afford the time away from home.

My dad thinks that I should sue the chiropractor.

torn rotator cuff

2010-03-04T08:33:00.003-06:00

after scouring the internet, I think that I've found the culprit.

I think that the Chiropractor is the one that did it though... should I sue him? I'm sure that no one would believe me, considering that the original neck injury occurred during an exercise that commonly injures rotator cuffs, but I swear that I didn't have any kind of shoulder pain until after he adjusted me.

icing it down...

I think that I'm broken

2010-03-02T21:00:00.002-06:00

today I went to the gym and managed a workout... a weak one, but it was a workout. I'm used to being able to life 15-20% more weight with my left arm. today I could barely manage 50% of my right arm with my left. it was as if my left latissimus and posterior deltiod weren't firing at all... I really have no idea how I'm supposed to ever lift correctly if 2 major muscle groups aren't firing. I could barely do a left pull-down of 80 (120 is normal for 8 reps) pounds, and struggled to bench 180 (250 is normal for 12 reps). I still can't hold it in any static position either...

I'm going to set up a doctors appointment tomorrow. I'm also noticing that some random muscles on my left side are twitching and my left eye can't focus properly and doesn't move smoothly (it kind of moves in spurts).

this weekend will be good, though. hopefully I'll get to hang out with Mike and Sarah, and hopefully Brit will be feeling good.

back to the gym...

2010-03-02T06:42:00.002-06:00

tonight I'll be going back to the gym. I am hoping to get in a decent full body workout, but might need to settle for cardio... we'll see how my left arm is feeling. I I really need to get in there- when I don't work out for a week or so I start to get depressed.

Brittany is starting to feel a little better, thank goodness, so it looks like we might actually make it to the due date. they've been pulling vacation for the hours that I've missed at work, dwindling away from the 80 hours per year that I earn. I need a real vacation. we haven't been to Pennsylvania for a year and a half, but I think that I'd rather go some place different, like California or Arizona or Florida. we'll give it some years... what I really need to do is take the Calculus CLEP already so that I can start taking classes and earning money...

I'll hear back from PRACS today about the study that I'm trying to get into. if I don't get in, I'll just do plasma donations. I should be able to postpone the bills until the end of the month- I always pay them right when I get them anyhow.

the injury

2010-03-01T06:30:00.002-06:00

my neck injury has turned into a shoulder injury. when the chiropractor popped me back into place, I started noticing it more and more that my neck felt fine, but my left arm was having a fit. I had never really considered the toll that this would take on my left arm- even considering that it was on the left side of my neck, but I'm having trouble moving it at all. It's like it isn't wired up correctly or something. I'll start "rehabbing" myself tomorrow night, though- maybe tightening up the muscles will take care of the pain- a little bit at least.

tonight I go in for pre-screening for a PRACS study and hopefully tomorrow I'll get over to BioLife to donate plasma. due to some unforseen expenses last month, we only really have enough in the bank to cover the electricity bill ($240)... and I still have to not only cover groceries next week ($160), but also paint for Cammy's room ($60), gas ($65) and other miscellaneous costs ($50).

the PRACS study would cover all of the bills ($550 for $335 in bills), but I wouldn't get paid for it until the end of the month (March 21st). for plasma I could get $50/week, which would cover gas, paint, and misc (notably Brittany's trip to Minot)., and I could put off paying Verizon until after the PRACS study. either way, I need the money from both- I just thought that I would write down a plan. if only the male model thing worked out =).

this is no longer a diet blog

2010-02-25T06:37:00.002-06:00

I'm going to look into working from home today, for the rest of the pregnancy... the fact is, that if someone isn't here to take the stress off of her, Brittany is going to pop this kid out any second.

I went to the chiropractor yesterday and he snapped me back into place. I still hurt, but at least I'm aligned. What's the deal with chiropractors setting you up for long term care? I just wanted an adjustment... don't put me on a 3x/week plan. I can't afford the 1x/year plan.

Hopefully I'll get into the PRACS study that I put in for in March. I need the time to get some homework done and need the money for the bills.

This blog is so boring... maybe I'll get a lunch today and get to post a drawing. We'll see.

The quitter

2010-02-23T06:35:00.002-06:00

I had decided that due to a chili cookoff on Wednesday and a trip to Minneapolis on Saturday, that this week simply would not work for the UD2.0. The trip has since been cancelled, and it would be much more doable, but I've decided to give up (for now, at least). Saturday's neck injury has taken me out of lifting for at least a week- and I'm thinking of avoiding heavy weights altogether- sticking to weights that keep me in the 6-10 rep range, no lower. Additionally, I capped off the weekend with food poisoning (although I'm still not certain of the source), and will probably spend the next day or two recovering.

I thought that, to be fair, I should wrap up with a review of the diet. All in all, in 2 weeks' time I managed to drop a significant amount of bodyfat- I'd say upwards of 2-3%, while only losing 1-2 pounds of weight. Because I hardly ever lift heavy, I think that the Saturday workouts sparked quite a bit of growth, shocking my body into growing. That being said, I think that this diet is better suited for lean mass gains (following the UD2.0 for Mass plan) than fat loss, although it can certainly accomplish both. Something like the Rapid Fat-loss Handbook would be better suited for fat loss, since it does so very quickly, and can easily get you to a low enough bodyfat percentage to watch yourself grow on UD2.0 for mass.

I'm glad that I tried it, and if I were a single guy that would do anything to get a better physique, this is definitely the route that I'd take. It is a tough diet, but it works.

Saturday... last day for now

2010-02-20T21:03:00.001-06:00

my neck pulled out of place today during incline presses. I'm out for a while...

Week 2 day 5, Friday

2010-02-19T06:55:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling a little "puffy" today. I think that it was the spaghetti last night... maybe I need to drink more water. I'm managing to eat more carbs this week than last week (I didn't even come close to 1,000 over 30 hours last week), so hopefully I'll hit the magic number today.

I weighed 180.6 this morning, which was odd considering that I've been creatine loading and pounding carbs. No bodyfat measurements today- like I said... "puffy".

Week 2, Day 4: Thursday

2010-02-18T06:56:00.001-06:00

I'm excited to eat carbs tonight...

Measurements: Ab: 18 Thigh: 16 Chest: 8
Bodyfat: 12.5%
I can probably attribute the 0.6% jump to subcutaneous water levels...

Wednesday Week 2, Day 3

2010-02-17T06:55:00.002-06:00

Weight: 182.5
Measurements: Ab: 18 Thigh: 16 Chest: 10
Waist: 32.75"
Bodyfat%: 13.1

I was thinking about doing a cycle of RFL (one of Lyle's other books), but I don't think that I can handle the calorie deficit. Sticking to UD2.0 for another 2-3 weeks after this. Whatever gets me below 10%.

As soon as I hit 9.x% it's over that week. If that happens to be a Monday or Tuesday, I'll finish out the week just to pig out on carbs on Thursday and Friday. Those days are totally worth it...

Tuesday: Week 2, Day 2

2010-02-16T06:38:00.003-06:00

I ran 5k today at the gym and did one final depletion set of bis/tris before the run. I'm starving, though. I'm pretty tired, too... actually looking forward to my first serving of tuna and mushrooms tomorrow morning.

New BF% is 13.9%. It might take a little longer than 2 more weeks to get below 10%, but still- I'm going to cap it off at 4 weeks max. That will put us at 4 weeks out from the baby, and I'll need all of the energy (carbs) that I can get.

doing some research...

2010-02-15T11:06:00.002-06:00

A more realistic estimate of bodyfat puts me up around 12-14%. I'll do a re-measure tomorrow (cheap calipers have made it a little hard to tell). I'm guessing that my starting % was somewhere above 15%.

New goal: <10% (9.9% would be fine). 8% seems a little absurd.

Week 2, Day 1, Monday

2010-02-15T06:38:00.004-06:00

Weight: 183
Measurements (Flexed): Waist: 33", Bicep: 15.125", Calf: 14.875", Forearm: 13", Neck: ~15", Thigh: ~23.5", Chest: 40"
Caliper Measurements: Abs: 18mm Thigh: 12mm Chest: 5mm
Bodyfat: 10.4%

I'm not looking forward to 65-set depletion training tonight, but once it's done at least it makes the rest of the week's workouts seem easy. I might try a different format... a 4x3 (4 exercises in a rotation, 3 sets each) circuit worked well on Saturday, so I might try to go 4x5 today.

Circuit 1 (x5):
Lat Pulldown (155 x15)
Chest Press (205 x15)
Leg Press (325 x15)
Calf Press (325 x15)

Circuit 2 (x5):
Seated Row (155 x15)
Incline Press (220 x15)
Leg Extension (190 x15)
Calf Raise (225 x15)

Circuit 3 (x5):
Preacher Curl (65 x15)
Skull Crushers (135 x15)
Leg Curl (170 x15)
Lateral Raise (40 x15)

Abs where a break is needed.

Saturday...

2010-02-12T06:43:00.006-06:00

Week 1, Day 6.
Weight: 184.5
Bodyfat: 10.4

As you can tell, I've put on quite a bit of weight from creatine loading (water) and carbs. From these stats, I've put on 3 pounds of lbm. and lost 2 pounds of fat, although I know that it's nothing close to that. It sure does look like it, though. A closer estimate would probably be -1 to 1.5 lb. fat, +0.5 to 1 lb. muscle.

<3 Creatine Loading

I'm feeling good and replenished... I can tell that I've lost bodyfat, and my arms look a bit bigger/more defined. My workout this morning consisted of the following after wamups:

Incline Press- 340 x 5, 320 x 5, 320 x 4
Lat Pulldown- 250 x 3, 235 x 5, 235 x 5
Leg Press- 450 x 5 (3 sets)
Calf Press- 450 x 12 (4 sets)
Chest Press (this was a machine... and I swear that the leverage is off, but it gave me a good workout nonetheless)- 240 x 5 (3 sets)
Seated Row- 250 x 5 (3 sets)
Leg Extension- 250 x 5 (3 sets)
Leg Curl- 240 x 5 (3 sets)
Skull Crushers- 190 x 5 (3 sets)
Preacher Curls- 110 x 5 (3 Sets)
Lateral Raise- 35 lbs x 5 (3 Sets per arm)
Extended ROM crunches x 104
Extended ROM side crunches x 104 (per side)
Back Raise x 62

Carb up Friday: Day 5

2010-02-12T06:43:00.003-06:00

Weight: 180
Bodyfat: 9.8 - 10.1% (couldn't get a consistent measurement)

I had a hard time getting down all of the carbs that I needed last night. I ate over 300g, but still have quite a ways to go. Having all day today should help quite a bit, as opposed to just 4 hours.

My wife is being very supportive. It definitely helps.

the refeed post...

2010-02-11T18:52:00.002-06:00

I think that the caveat that some people get nauseous during the Thursday workout had me well prepared... I hammered out 27 sets and still felt relatively okay afterwards (just a little tired and light-headed; not nauseous at all). I came home and drank a AfterMass shake followed by some rice and beans, baked beans, brisket, and 3 slices of bread.

Right now I feel awesome. I feel like I could go work out again...

I'll probably have a protein shake w/banana and bowl of cereal before bed. That should put me up around 500 grams for the day. Tomorrow I'll go for another 500 grams or so...

Day 4- Last Depletion Day

2010-02-11T06:38:00.002-06:00

I dreamt about eating bread and my hair falling out.

Tonight comes the big workout and the big reward. Last night, I stopped at Famous Dave's on the way home. I ended up eating the firecracker beans and the chicken from my plain chicken sandwich. Tonight I eat the bread- and Brittany's leftover brisket.

Last Depletion Day Stats:
Weight: 178.6 (I assume this 3-day, 5 lb. difference is ketosis-related)
Measurements: Chest- 5mm, Abs- 19mm, Thigh- 11mm
Est. BF%: 10.4

I'll pack some fruit snacks for pre-workout. I didn't start to feel relief from Monday's workout until I woke up this morning, so hopefully all of my lifts won't be too light. Admittedly, the workouts tonight and Saturday are more what I'm used to- being a big fan of HST. I'll throw some abdominal sets in there just for the cardio, and to keep my heart rate up after the more physically taxing exercises (Leg Press, Bench, Incline Bench, Lat Pulldowns).

Day 3

2010-02-10T06:33:00.002-06:00

Cardio last night was tough. I managed to run a 5k @1% incline on the treadmill, but my pace was all messed up. I only had energy in short bursts, so after the first 1.5 miles I would run 1/4 - 1/2 mile and then need to walk for a minute. When I arrived home, my lovely wife had dinner ready for me- and I have to admit that I took more pinto beans than I should have. I closed out the day at around 100g carbs, but at least I did cardio.

Week 1, Day 2

2010-02-09T06:26:00.002-06:00

I'm going to do a quick run at the gym tonight and them come home and finish shoveling. It feels like ketosis is settling in- I was out shoveling this morning and had to take frequent breaks to catch my breath. In the mirror I look a little deflated, but I still feel good about myself due to some soreness that says "good job".

After shoveling, I weighed in at 180.5. Most of those 3 pounds is water-weight, with at least 1/2 pound due to sweat lost while shoveling. My goal weight is 180 @ 8%... I think that if I follow this diet to the letter, I might be where I want to be in 3 weeks.

to piggyback on this morning

2010-02-08T20:32:00.003-06:00

Pain has a new name: German Volume Training. A half marathon has nothing on moving 80,000 pounds in a single workout. It isn't quite as taxing as a full marathon- but it's close.

The Diet Blog...

2010-02-08T06:51:00.004-06:00

Although it may seem counter-productive, hear me out...

In 2 months we'll have our second child. In 3 months I start school full time. This means that I basically have 2 months (8 weeks) to get in the best shape that I possibly can so that it will carry over into having little to no time to exercise for... well... 2 years or so. Okay? It's only 8 weeks...

The Method

I'll be using a slight variation of Lyle McDonald's Ultimate Diet 2.0, which is a muscle sparing diet.

The Layout

Day 1 (Monday): Cut calories by 1/2 (1400-1500) and keep carbs as low as possible. Depletion workout (~40 sets; >12 reps each) in the afternoon.

Day 2 (Tuesday): Diet same as Monday. 1/2 hour run (4 miles or so) in the afternoon.

Day 3 (Wednesday): Diet same as Monday/Tuesday. No Exercise.

Day 4 (Thursday): Morning: Diet same as Monday/Tuesday. Afternoon: Tension workout (~27 sets; <12 reps each). Eat as many carbs as I can (500g or so)

Day 5 (Friday): Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. No workout.

Day 6 (Saturday): Heavy workout (~30 sets; <6 reps each) first thing in the morning. Maintenance calories (2800-3000)

Day 7 (Sunday): Rest. Maintenance calories.

The Stats:

Age: 27
Height: 71"
Weight: 183.5
Caliper Measurements: Chest: 7mm; Belly: 20mm; Thigh: 11mm
Bodyfat: 11.2%
Updates: At least weekly

this working out thing

2010-02-01T18:51:00.003-06:00

today I realized that I've been working out for about 12 years, and also realized that I haven't made too much progress... but then I thought about it some more.

Start:
15 years old
5'8"
170 pounds
~25% Bodyfat
No girlfriend

Now:
27 years old
5'11"
185 pounds
~11% Bodyfat
Superhot Wife

Feeling accomplished.

another night

2010-01-27T02:37:00.003-06:00

1/27- 6 months out from my nightmare. I should make more of an effort to avoid large white-on-the-inside buildings.

I can't sleep tonight either. I got about an hour from 11:30 - 12:30, but that's it. I should get a prescription for Ambien.

the cold is getting warmer

2010-01-18T06:44:00.002-06:00

first dream- Brittany left me for some girl that I had never met. we had a pretty sweet house in the dream... but Brit took it from me so I basically had nothing. no kids either- I wonder where they went...

second dream- went for a trip to Warroad, which turned out to be somewhere in Virginia, not Minnesota. everyone on the tour bus as well as myself said that it reminded them of an episode of Unsolved Mysteries that was turned into a workplace safety film about where not to hang out.

hopefully tonight there will be rassling.

here's hoping

2010-01-14T06:57:00.002-06:00

looking forward to (in chronological order): getting our car, my yo-yo coming, the weekend, my brother coming, the new baby (well, a little nervous/scared too)... vacation...?

that should take us well into 2011. vacation should come sooner, but it won't.

hi-ya

2010-01-12T06:25:00.000-06:00

I went to Kung Fu class last night after my workout. I didn't get much out of it.

the sadness

2010-01-06T06:40:00.003-06:00

Cambria most likely broke her arm. In fact, henceforth I'm taking "most likely" out of that statement. There are thousands of unique feelings in the world- and watching your child in pain is right up there with the worst of them. I wish that I could trade places with her. From the x-rays to the wrapping/splinting, it took all that I had to keep my cool.

I have 3 days left at work to get all of this week's priorities done, because next week is going to be a booger. We have an Overhead Extruder install (which, thank God, Ken is the project manager on) and I'll be giving training all week to Maintenance. On top of that, they'll want to roll out SCADA on that line ASAP, and I've BARELY begun to develop it. It's like I'm waiting for these free periods to roll along that are never coming.

Well I'm off to work... let's hope it's a good one.

so sad

2010-01-05T06:40:00.002-06:00

the other blog has been missing posts for almost a month. it's not that I've run out of things to tell the internet about process control- moreso that I'm so exhausted from dealing with it all day that I don't feel like it, or that the holidays have helped me to expunge a good bit of it from my mind. either way- I'll post sooner or later... just not today.

I bought a 2010 Ford Escape last night. we got the color that Brittany wanted (Gray, not Green- Green is Hybrid-only), at a very reasonable price (less than my current car payment). it will be nice when we have it- I don't think that I'll mind the heated seats of the Jetta one bit, although I will miss the GTI.

tonight a guy is coming over to help me estimate the costs on the basement "project". basically, we're turning an open-entranced room into a separate bedroom with a door. it shouldn't be too hard. I've vowed to drop the Christmas weight by next Friday, so of course I'll need to go to the gym first.

this is the first gym that I've actually seen results at in quite a while- I think that it has a lot to do with range of motion. I've been pushing myself to go the extra inch or two, which turns out to be a lot harder (15 pull ups as opposed to 30-something chin-ups; 62 shoulder-width full range push ups as opposed to 100-something "normal" ones), but also rewarding. I need to get some supplements, though- I'll add that to the to-do list for the day.

yesterday at my work's annual plan meeting my name was brought up twice (the only name of a person that wasn't a CEO, actually). it was kind of cool, I felt important, even if it was so that the head of the company could make fun of my hair.

the dog's tongue won't go in her mouth

2009-12-29T06:38:00.002-06:00

today will be a fun-filled day of saw programming, line wiring, and quite a few cases of maintenance troubleshooting, I'm sure. while I'm excited to not have to hear about the damned saw anymore, I just don't have it in me to do any of the work this week.

it's like these three days were put here as a long, painful intermission between two good weekends. honestly, though, I'm not really looking forward to the drive to Minot either on Thursday. it will be great when we get there- but I'd kill for a good night's sleep right now.

my laryngitis is almost gone. I still can't sing (an essential part of the waking up process on the way to work), but I can speak and probably even yell if I were so inclined.

I'm ready for the unending supply of cookies to wear out, that's for sure.

my mother-in-law's boyfriend casually (jokingly, perhaps?) offered to let us stay in their apartment in Hawaii so that I could finish school. all joking aside, I'm seriously considering taking him up on it. even just a year of school in Hawaii would be a wonderful and welcome break from life out here. I've always wanted to be a "real" student.

off to work.

my neighbor.

2009-12-26T11:15:00.002-06:00

my neighbor is a registered sex offender, with all kinds of radio towers and surveillance equipment in his yard- I'm ready and willing to drop kick him back into prison at any point in time. but not just for the creepiness (which there is plenty of) or the radio towers (which interfere with baby monitors).

he parks in the street.

this means that when the plows come to our road, they have to go around his vehicle- so my snow shoveling duties extend into the middle of the road. I've shoveled six times so far from this storm. my joints are killing me. my right pinky and ring finger feel completely arthritic- not to mention my left bicep (which takes the majority of the beating along with my left trapezius).

anyhow, I just wanted to rant before I went out and shoveled the end of my driveway again. if I see him out there I might knock him out.